So it’s been ages since I’ve written anything! Even though I did hope to be diligent and write once a fortnight… But here’s just some updates:
Had my final crit about a month ago:
Handed in my work and here’s my freedom icecream:
And between that time was a series of roller coaster emotional events that I’ve been through. I was hardly affected by work, quite a bit on my boyfriend, some tension between me and a best mate of mine and partially with pathfinders – the teen group I’ve been helping out with at church.
I’d have to say, the latter half of this academic year has been draining because I feel that in comparison to last year, I haven’t been relying on God as much, and not that I was unaware of it, but rather fully avoiding Him. Spending time with God became a secondary or even tertiary goal, and that doesn’t include going to church services or meeting up at the Wednesday mid-week small group because anyone can just go but leave their heart behind.
I can observe and feel the difference of how not arranging time for God can affect my mood, attitude and behavior. This being more noticeable with the people I’m closer to, mainly being my boyfriend.
We’ve been arguing and having conflicts recently about each other’s habits, sometimes it is based on reasonable terms and at other times it is more on our own levels of annoyances. But funnily enough, God always helps me empathize and grow in my knowledge of His ways.
So in parallel, I soon had a weird awkward tension with a friend… and the way she was treating me was very much the exact way I was treating Theo. She didn’t specify why she went silent or cold, I tried apologizing and approaching her several times and still to this day I can’t be 100% sure of what it was that made her moody. But I have acted very similar to that and therefore although I was feeling very hurt and kept on high suspense, it probably isn’t as much in comparison to what my darling Theo had felt.
Still even now, it’s very challenging for me to treat him with a little bit of extra love. I know it has to do with my recovery of rediscovering and deepening my relationship with God. There are many moments throughout the day that unhealthy doubts creep in that cause me to think of irrational possibilities of Theo’s faithlessness to me, which ultimately means that I doubt Theo’s faith and trust in Christ. When I was firm in my faith, grounded with confidence in Christ, I would never think of things to doubt my sweetheart, but I know everything I am feeling has no true basis… especially when Theo is striving to treat me right and love me while I’m being difficult and acting coldly.
But something amazing happened. So last Saturday, we got into an argument at the kitchen in his accommodation. We had just come back from watching a movie. Straight after the movie I asked what plans for dinner he had, but he said he wasn’t hungry. At that time I wasn’t really hungry either so I didn’t mention anymore about dinner. However by the time we arrived back at his accommodation I was feeling hungry and told him what I felt. He seemed to be very agitated or showed an uncertain look. I didn’t want him to stress out on it so I just changed my mind saying I will eat after I leave. Things just escalated in terms of not understanding each other. He ended up apologising but I was feeling very upset, angry and frustrated not with him but that I was unable to support him with encouraging words. I was feeling very pressured even when Theo wasn’t doing anything. When I’m upset about similar things I just push him away and just don’t want to receive his hugs or kisses. That does hurt him quite a bit as he sees it as a sign of rejecting love.
At times like this, I feel as though I really don’t care about anything else anymore. Theo walked me home and we parted. Before I slept, I was just being very angry and just ranting to God. Just feeling like Theo and I shouldn’t be together, that I cannot change and that I cannot be patient anymore. That I didn’t care what anyone else thought but that I needed to end things between us. I told God that was my plan and wondered if God would reply.
The next morning, I woke up from a dream that Theo and I reconciled. It was a Sunday and I needed to go help out with Pathfinders at church with the teens. Before going I spent some time with God. He had prepared for me Genesis 32:22-32, in fact a few weeks in advance, but it was about Jacob who wrestled with God. I decided to look deeper into this and found this commentary: https://bible.org/seriespage/lesson-59-broken-blessed-genesis-3222-32
Jacob was in a difficult situation. He was to face his brother whom he had upset many years ago and he wasn’t sure if his brother would have forgiven him or out right attack him. His plan was that he will set up two camps and if his brother does indeed attack the first he would be able to run away. However, nearing the end with his wrestling with God, he had his hip was wrenched. He could only rely on God with facing his brother. In the end they reconciled. It was amazing how God changed Jacob’s name, that was once associated with being the schemer and supplanter to Israel.
v.28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
I’m glad that God has encouraged me to continue loving my darling Theo, to not give up on the small things when God, who is much greater knows better that all of us. Attraction is easy, but loving is hard. I pray and hope that I’ll be able to love him and desire his happiness before mine, but above all, to desire God’s will and love.
Here’s other stuff that has happened ;D
Lovely time at Parliament Hill! Hampstead Heath 🙂
PTX!!!! ❤ super awesome
In Cardiff with my best roomie ever ;D