Raw feelings

Dear Lord my God, my all mighty Father,

I don’t know exactly why I’m feeling upset, annoyed, frustrated and pissed – yet again. I’m getting more annoyed at the fact that I’m just in a really down zone. I know my feelings are so from the time that I spent with him, but I haven’t been able to work out exactly what it is… When he asks me what’s wrong and it’s so often, I mean I don’t even understand it myself so how am I supposed to answer back?

I feel like perhaps a reason why I cannot formulate exactly what it is I’m upset about is… that I am not usually upset or annoyed about things. It takes me a while to realise that yes I am annoyed about something. Perhaps it could even be denial of my sadness or frustrations because I feel like these are emotions I shouldn’t be feeling or logically I don’t see why I need to feel this way. Yet I’m emotionally affected.

When we were thinking about where to go after we reached the first Pret that was small and staff was nowhere to be seen, I became doubtful that he would even end up taking me out anywhere. I felt as though oh perhaps we’ll just end up going back home, this insecure thought whispered in my mind. After returning my books from the library we went in the direction back home and on the way was another Pret, which we stopped and he sweetly bought me coffee.

The first thing that began to tick me off was when he started jokingly commented or rather tried to imply in a contemptuous tone ‘look at me buying this expensive coffee’ or words trying to express some kind of superiority of one who always goes to these kinds of cafes to buy and seem to waste money on this coffee. He tried to say all this but maybe it’s the way I looked at him he hesitated to enact out the fullness of whatever he was trying to express. At least this was the impression and interpretation I had. At first I was a bit like ‘uh ok’ what is he trying to say or imply. Then he said ‘oh sorry I don’t mean’ in the most vague way. In fact the whole conversation was very vague. To be honest if he meant to say what I think he really meant to say … which is to label some kind of contemptuous attitude to something … my heart kind of sank. It just invokes a very upsetting feeling in my heart. Firstly because I don’t understand jokes that ‘attack’ people in this way by attaching these negative assumptive labels (at least I felt like it was an ‘attack’) and secondly I like going to cafes to buy coffee.

I decided to ignore it. Then we sat down and had our coffee. I pulled my bag up, unzipped it and laid my work on the table. I was quite content and tried to explain my work I showed my tutors today as I had a good tutorial… to which I got the feeling that he wasn’t interested. He never looks into my eyes when I’m explaining these kinds of things. I don’t exactly know what the boundaries of ‘these kinds of things’ are but certain kinds of things he just … seems to look somewhere else or just … I don’t know what he’s thinking. When I tried to show him my work he just only seemed to glance at them. I was thinking ‘I guess he’s just not interested in creative things’. I think he noticed I was just looking down so he said he was thankful that I shared my work with him and he hopes that I share more of it next time, to which I was not very convinced but thankful nonetheless.

After that he picked up his phone in search of a video he wanted to show me. It was a bizarre video about a Korean girl throwing food. It took a while for him to find the video… which made me awkwardly look around thinking maybe I should pick up my phone too but I didn’t want to be rude so I didn’t. Finally he found the video and showed me. While watching the video I found it disgusting. This Korean girl was in a bathtub full of ketchup that was unseen but you realise she is in it as she begins to throw the ketchup in front. She swayed her entire body left and right and put ketchup in her mouth in such a sexual way with her super low cut shirt and spraying French fries everywhere. Later on she grabbed this shovel and started shoving the ketchup in front of her. This was after she smothered the ketchup over her arms.

I found this incredibly disgusting because not only was she being sexual, it was with this food and me thinking about being in that tub makes me feel extremely uncomfortable if I were to be in her situation. Secondly the ketchup looked like blood. I felt like she was being sexual in a tub of blood. And when that shovel came up oh God that was so nauseating. I felt like I wanted to throw up it was so… discomforting. It just looked like she was being sexual in a bathtub of someone’s blood who died.

I was thinking in my head do guys get turned on by this? Which made me feel even more disgusted. It wasn’t like some kind of Korean chick dancing sexually – which to be honest I wouldn’t have freaked out as much as I did for this. I mean seeing one of those sexual dances is fine whatever fair enough for people to be turned on, but this looked like it was in blood and it made me feeling so cringe.

He saw my discomfort and apologized for making me feel that way. I was so not feeling good at this point. Yet I still tried to talk to him, ask him things. He kept asking me later on if I was alright and at that point I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling so I just said ‘I’m fine’ because how am I supposed to know what I felt… as it’s only taking me this current time to carefully think and write about the series of events that led to my annoyance and frustrations. He was just staring into some distance and drinking his coffee. I felt just… so… like not knowing what to do. My mind drifted to that disgusting scene of that girl flicking the ketchup blood all over. ‘What are you thinking about?’ and I stared into his eyes. ‘No I replied. He tried to ask to which I said ‘Nothing’ but I kept silent. I did not want to say what I was thinking about.

Then he commented about how tired I looked. I knew he was tired. I knew as I was drinking my coffee that as soon as I finished we would just leave and go our separate ways after he drops me home. That’s the end. That’s it. Great. I just felt like there was nothing special in the way we were spending time together. I honestly did not enjoy myself and so the idea of parting like this just made me feel worse. I know we have gone out and just chilled together… but I just felt so … like what am I doing here kind of feeling. This makes me feel even worse because I feel as though I’m once again demanding so much.

Before I’m even done with my last sip of coffee he asks that we should leave. I take my last sip and we leave together. I don’t say much the rest of the way home. He asks me what’s wrong again and I insist I’m fine… this time more because I’m annoyed. He says the biggest lie is not that I say ‘I’m fine’ but that ‘I have read and accept the terms and conditions’ to which I have heard this joke before and was not in the mood to laugh. He asks why I’m so quiet, a question that he has asked on previous occasions, and I say why not, why can’t I be quiet? I mean he was pretty quiet himself and I did feel like I did make an effort in trying to talk and I felt upset also because it’s like he always expects me to be happy and cheery and just always talking which I am honestly not always that kind of person.

He says he wants to lock his bike up first before he sends me home and while he is doing this he asks again if I’m alright. I know it’s out of concern but it just gets me more and more annoyed because I haven’t thought about what has annoyed me or upset me yet and therefore could not explain back then.

As we walk back together to my home he asks me what he can pray for me. I share mine and then he shares his. Before we reach the door my roommate opens it and we make small talk. She says that it’s alright if we come in. We stood in the corridor and before we pray he says it’s not good to keep secrets. But how can I be keeping secrets when I don’t even know what my secret is? Only now I know as I’m typing this because it takes me a lot of emotional and logical reflection efforts to think back about why I feel the way I feel. We prayed. Then we parted.

I still don’t feel great about it. I don’t want to think about it because I know it will stretch my imagination of what else can go wrong. Initially I was feeling so excited to see him, and then… all that happened and now I’m just left feeling … empty, hollow. Great.

I keep asking God why is this happening, why do I feel this way all the time, I’m seriously starting to think that there’s something wrong with me… that I’m just too sensitive. I know he loves me, but just some of the things that he does … are starting to get to me.

This is what life is like for a normal couple, conflicts and tensions but I’m sure every one has a different version and way in which the conflicts arise. I know God is here looking after us, I’m just sitting tight, waiting to see if I can ever get over these upsetting feelings and just love him the way God loves us.

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