I struggle a lot with uni work. When I’m away from it I can’t help but worry or think I haven’t done enough. In some sense it is true that I feel that way, but when things are going steady with work, it seems that I have less excuse to distrust God.
It has changed my attitude towards my friends who don’t do architecture … Well it isn’t the main cause but it can be a trigger to worsen other aspects of myself that I’m vulnerable to lose control.
One example is this weird sense of jealousy/envy. It hit me stealthily and secretly. I still cannot be sure of what it is… As in the true cause if it is all the same reason. My roommate has helped me try to understand but to be honest I’m scared of it.
I’ve never truly felt jealousy or envy. I still am having a hard time understanding it. However I have realised that it exists due to my selfish and stubborn attitude I put on display towards some of my friends. Sometimes I also think other things trigger it. It is I guess – as pointed out by my roommate – when I’m wrong about something or want things my way in a really weird way.
Okay that was a terrible explanation.
Let’s put it in scenarios: long time ago, a friend fell ill and it was quite late at night but wanted me to come over. Miru said if I was going to go she would go with me because it wasn’t a good idea to go alone. When we arrived, we made the person some soup. Later on, somehow, we had a discussion (about something deep I forgot what it was) and I tried to explain a point which my friend would try to argue back but when Miru would say something, my friend would not say anything anymore.
When we left, I felt this terrible feeling in me. Upset of course but also really frustrated. I’d describe it almost like as if my Mum snatched away my favourite toy and I feel like I can’t stand the fact that I don’t have it and it feels literally unbearable you just want to shout and complain!
Yes, this childish self centred-ness but it took me a few days to work it out. I had to think hard at why I was upset because I didn’t understand. When I got a better picture of it, I tried to deny it but ultimately I couldn’t avoid it.
Another instance was when we were making pancakes – all of us including my other flat mate. I remember getting upset and I didn’t want to talk or else I might say something to hurt Miru. The reasons as to why I wasn’t too sure anymore because after that it we went back to normal but of course I explained that I was feeling upset.
Finally, an incident happened recently that we meet up with a group of friends. Actually I was upset for a number of reasons. The main though, was that I was not really paid much attention by a friend who I haven’t met in a while. It’s just that the whole night there wasn’t a single time when she would ask about me. And the fact that she was more interested in talking to someone else just kind of disappointed me. Fair enough because they haven’t talked in ages as well but not even one question?
Yeah so here is my selfish nature coming out. I know it sounds like no big deal but it is to me because I’m not acting out of love. It’s my own desire to be noticed and that contains no indication that I’m concerned for anyone else. I think it’s actually really scary because you can always enlarge that to an even more extreme scenario.
So I think it has something to do with jealousy. But my jealousy is a weird thing. I’m not concerned about material things. If someone has the latest Prada bag or newest iPhone like yeah good for you lol. But I’ve noticed increasingly how I really want to be the victim!!
After much prayer, God has revealed to me these things and a life without prayer is so…….. Draining. There is no life really. Prayer is food for the soul, when God fills us up with love and understanding. How he loves us by through defeating death on the cross and how he teaches us to love our friends and family and even strangers. We are His creation and it is a beautiful thing.
I am just so glad that I realised my selfishness because at first I was stubborn. I didn’t want to face it and didn’t pray at all. However not too long after I had to pray. Even if it was God help me to pray!
Then I realised that it gives me all the more reason to be happy because I know God loves me and only at the times when I’m disgusted at myself or am shocked in the way I might act, do I feel (later on usually) relief. I eventually remember Gods love and mercy again, because my darkness can cloud my eyes which I really don’t want to remain in.
I’m glad I could share it with Miru. I’m not comfortable with it though, but I’m glad she at least understands in a Christian perspective.
Hope to be blogging more in the future, gosh so sleepy now, good night!