Really unsettling…

Last night, I had a nightmare.

My dreams don’t make sense of course but there was a storyboard to it. Of what I could remember, it is like layers, a string of dreams pulled together.

There were two or three stories interweaved.

Basically the main theme was that I was raped. The first scenario was there was this man… and he had a tactic of capturing high school girls. He would persuade them to run away with him and then imprison them in this bus he would drive. Somehow I got involved and was captured. It was terrifying because I could recall we were all really scared. The main idea was that he would drive us round and round and create this attraction for everyone to see. The only thing is that the public would not know that we were held captive. It’s a strange image but since it’s a dream it wouldn’t make sense in reality. However, the idea that he would bring people to see this ‘attraction’ and get people to pay for it while in fact within this ‘attraction’ he is hiding the girls he has captured was incredibly evil.

Next I saw some kind of flashback almost — where two people (a guy and a girl) were trying to solve this case, to expose this guy. Then I saw almost a sample of how he managed to capture these girls by sexually enticing them. It wasn’t too explicit but, enough to make me sick.

Later on, the dream unfolds to more serious stuff where I found out that there were these elders … who were behind this elaborate scheme to either rob people or unfairly get more out of this community. Simultaneously I knew I had already been raped and that my rapist was related to these awful people. Somehow I was also related to them. It was a very Chinese setting because I was at a dinner with everyone. I was trying so hard to get everyone’s attention and expose them for who they really were but no one was listening. My rapist was known to be a respectable guy amongst everyone so the idea that he would do something like that to me seemed unthinkable. In the end I did tell some people but they seemed to have no idea what to do and I felt shrugged off with nothing else to do. While I was packing up and getting ready to leave the restaurant, my rapist slowly lingered near me as he made his way down and out of the restaurant. I tried to take my time just pretending not to notice him at all.

When he left I felt so relieved. I left the restaurant and after walking for not too long, ahead of me on the pavement, he was walking. Suddenly he turned around before I could do anything. The conversation seemed fine at first before he got more and more perverse. He stopped walking and faced towards me. I halted dead on the spot.

I don’t recall what awful things he said to me but he edged closer. I stumbled back. Before I knew what was happening I was running and running. He chased me with the most intimidating and disgusting smile. For some stupid reason (oh of course because it’s a dream), I ran into this alley way. Thinking somehow I would lose him but it was not working.

I was running out of options.

Things sped up so fast and before I knew it I saw this fence with a hole in the left bottom corner. I dived down and he followed. From that bottom corner there was a string that sloped down the building we stood on. I caught onto the string but he grabbed my legs. I felt so distressed.

I shook him off and slid down the rope and ran and ran. I felt his taunts building in my mind. He did not follow but I left running with a horrible experience.

I needed to go home. I took the train. At first it seemed safe. I sat next to a guy who seemed friendly. I didn’t know why I wasn’t completely relieved. Then I realised I forgot he would be on the same train I would take… because he is my family. I saw him. His face smiling at me.

I woke up in tears. My heart pounding like crazy. I turned to my right side and saw an empty space on the bed. I scrambled to wear my slippers on the floor but I couldn’t see them and just ended up wearing them incorrectly because I was too frantic to get out of my bedroom. I opened the living room and saw my roommate Miru there just quietly doing her scrapbook. She saw me in tears and I told her the whole story.

I told her that in my dream, I felt so distressed because I knew that I was raped. That I had lost my virginity to some random person or even to someone I knew. It was such a terrifying prospect .. And it made me value and treasure my body more because to be abused like that and have one’s virginity taken away like that was so disgusting. I felt like I could almost empathize with those who have already been raped but.. Of course never the full extent.

It was strange because she just finished reading Psalms 6 with the section saying ‘I am wearing with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eye wastes away because of grief; it grows weak because of all my foes.

In the end we had a good chat though. We talked about her and her boyfriend and how things would turn out. Long distance might not work out because they might not end up being in the same place and even it would be too long before they would see each other again. Also the fact that she was going into law seemed a daunting prospect because it is so competitive and she was struggling to break away from this attachment she had to work and pining her hopes on it. I was so glad that we went to sleep together because … I didn’t think I could manage.

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