I haven’t told anyone

For the longest time I’ve been jealous and envious and even more secretly lonely … which explains why I have been sad. This I am beginning to come to terms with.

The truth is I feel like I’ve been not trying to deal with it. Just trying to bury and ignore it. It’s actually quite suppressed until I think — do I really feel this way?

Ever since my roommate has gotten a boyfriend, I’ve lost something, rather someone. It’s not that I am jealous of someone having a boyfriend, but rather we just don’t have anymore time to spend together. She’s always out and .. well that’s that. Of course we did have lunch together. I’m not complaining. My goal isn’t to. I’m just glad she doesn’t read my blog… or isn’t at the moment. Truth is, I am ashamed for having these feelings. Not like there’s anything unusual but rather I just think that if I do tell her what I have felt before, I don’t want that to influence the way she thinks. It’s.. kind of twisted.

I’ll let you in on what kind of a person I am. I’m the kind that likes to push people away. Not in the way that they think because it’s extremely subtle. I’ll still be nice, kind, doing things for them but when they try to reach out there’s a sense of reluctancy. I unconsciously try to make an excuse that is true … or rather create a real excuse to have minimal contact. In my heart I’m hoping they would just come home and stay home for a while.

This is my way to see if they really care or want to keep in contact with me. It’s really selfish because God’s love isn’t here. I’ve been praying to God about this… and … honestly I’m stubborn. I feel like I just want God to teach me the hard way.

I am a hypocrite and still am.

However, I try not to think in the way I do.  But still, every time I see her, talk to her… there’s this urge in me to just … maybe it isn’t an urge. More like something’s … just not the same anymore. My attitude feels more ‘fed-up’, though I’m not sure if she has realised.

Another reason why I don’t want to tell her is because there’s this voice in my head saying there’s no point, it’s more between God and I … God has given me a chance to be with Him more. To lean on Him more. It is true though, that during the course of these few weeks I’ve regained my love and trust for Him. I’m so happy and thankful. He has even provided me company of my old friends from overseas and also my course mate who has become so much closer. We work together almost every day and I’m going to stay over at her place tomorrow for 2 days!

God has been too kind to me, yet still I’m like this. I can’t rid of my feelings, but at least I can pray for her…. and for it to go away.

Truth is, I should tell her how I feel. I should tell someone how I feel. I should seek further guidance and counsel from another Christian perhaps but … I just feel like I want to hide behind God. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I don’t think so because I’m not just hiding behind God I’m scared. Scared to face … and just don’t want to. More of the don’t want to than the scared to be honest.

I want people to be open with me, to share their problems with me. I want to let them know I can take it, I don’t mind listening to sobs, hearing heartache and all that sort. That I understand these are just feelings of sadness that will eventually go away. There’s nothing I’d love more than to help in any way that I can.

I am a hypocrite.

I like  people to unload everything to me, but I don’t like unloading to others. But this really depends. I do like to share my problems, but I am somehow just extremely picky with my problems.

I would like to say that people should tell their feelings and share it with those closest to them, but I am not doing so. It’s because of selfish reasons. I want us to get back together in my way. Not God’s way. Interesting. I’m slowly realising these things as I am typing.

It’s hard isn’t it? To make the first move. We say we want this and that – justice. But an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth isn’t it?

Sticking to God’s standards means you must show your love first and this is an act of demonstrating true humbleness and the kind of humbleness God may expect from us. It’s difficult.

Well that’s just a little piece of what I feel. I’m much better though, I’m so glad to be in a relationship with God, or else I wouldn’t be able to handle this as easily. All that’s left is getting rid of this stupid reluctant feeling when I’m with my roommate.

Another reason why I’m hesitant to tell Miru is that as I have mentioned I don’t want her to be influenced in staying. It’s also because I don’t want to say that I need one particular person’s company. Rather I will always need God. It doesn’t matter who I’m with but as long as God is always with me, He really is all that I need. I want to be careful because don’t want to disappoint God. There are certain idols I do have, I want to make sure that there is nothing more important than God.


2 thoughts on “I haven’t told anyone

  1. Daddy’s heart goes out to you as you express your inner thoughts and feelings. They are perfectly normal and controlled. That is what God wants of us. No matter what circumstances we find ourselves in we must always walk with Him in our thoughts, words, and actions. What you are thinking and expressing are very controlled and I am sure God loves you no matter what.

  2. You have also been very honest with your self and this is most important. For this alone, you have the envy of many including your daddy. I love you. Mum too.

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