Yeah I’ve been meaning to post something happy but perhaps I’ll do that another time. Recently although a lot of heart breaking things have been happening, God has managed to provide me wonderful things, things to help cope with what’s been going on.
Sometimes when I’m faced with painful situations I just really want to run away. I can’t believe I’m so emotional, I really hate it. It’s all these little things that accumulate in life that gets to me. Other than sort of losing one of my best friends, I got fired from my job today. Honestly I told my boss that I would understand if she had to sack me because I was unreliable in a sense that I will go home for long term and take a lot of time off. So… she did. It’s not a shock, but… it’s just on top of this, on top of that…
but it makes me realise I need God all the more. That I can’t cope with all this alone. I’m just glad He has provided me friends and just.. time to take my mind off of … these things.
I will post some nicer happenings in my life I promise! haha. Having a blog too geared towards one thing can be quite tiring.. indeed.
To be honest, when I tell my non-Christian friends my problems, I can’t ever tell them in full or in a way to make them understand everything. But it’s so sweet to hear them try and listen nonetheless. When I tell my Christian friends to be honest sadly enough I don’t have many I can tell or many I’m close with enough to share. I’m very shy about ‘crying’. I don’t want people to catch me crying not so much because it’s embarrassing rather I don’t want to ruin other people’s happiness or .. make things awkward for them.
I want them to understand that I need to cry not that I want to, tears just flow out annoyingly enough. But because I know God has a greater plan for me and that I only need to trust Him everything is fine 🙂 It’s just… crying and the feeling of pain is something I cannot escape from and I don’t think anyone can and if they could, then I really wonder how else they can show they care about something or someone.
From the Christian perspective, honestly, being emotionally, feeling anger, sadness… and revealing it… it shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s nothing new, it’s only the truth. However to reveal it to whom is the question for some may not be as understanding as others. I guess I really struggle with this. In fact I’m a hypocrite because even though I don’t mind people crying and showing their vulnerabilities to me or unloading their problems, I know that in my heart I don’t mind and in fact I want them to.
But the thing is, I don’t know if anyone else would care or want to hear my trash of sadness, which just seems like a nuisance. I’m scared and terrified of annoying people or just … troubling others. So I tend to not say anything and even if I do I try to say it in the most casual way.
But I’ll let you in on a secret, I’m dying to cry. To just burst out in tears and just let go. And it seems that only in God’s presence I can because no one else seems to understand. Maybe they do, but you know what I’m just too much of a coward to find out.
Thanks for listening to my raw truth.
Maybe some day my attitude will change.