Just Heartbroken

Yesterday I had to do one of the most heart aching things that I haven’t done in a long while. 

I have this gay friend and I love him dearly. Recently he’s been taking hormone therapy and then most likely to have an operation. He asked me to support him.

It took me a full day to think through what to say. To be honest I was procrastinating. I was scared because my answer was going to be no.

My answer was a no because there’s someone greater whom I love. Yes simply put it’s God. I know God would not support this because there’s a greater picture to all of this. That God has a plan for us, a plan that is overflowing with love. To go against what He originally intended is giving in to our selfish desires. It’s not just this but anything that can consume our hearts and be placed as idols that makes us drift away from God.

My dear friend doesn’t know God’s love. At least I don’t think he understands the tremendous pain He went through for us. 

The hardest thing for me was to say sorry I cannot support because we have been the best of friends since high school and it pains me so much that I know that things can never be as it was. That we can never be as open as we were before. It’s almost as though I’ve lost my friend. 

Even though he may not hold anything against me, it just pains me so incredibly much that I have rejected something I know he cares about dearly. It also pains me to know he doesn’t have God in his heart or does not want to admit the things God may not want.

The first time I had to say that I couldn’t support him I cried so much. It sounds so emotional but friends are so important to me. The thought of losing any I could cry seas over especially if we have been close friends for so long. I had to have a lot of prayer before letting him know. 

The second time I cried was when I read his response. And every time I think about it, it makes me tear up. I was so terrified at reading his response I didn’t go on facebook at all until I felt like I had waited too long. 

He told me our friendship were memories filled with love. I asked if we wanted to skype since we’ve been planning to for quite a while and he said not any time soon since he has to consider what this means about our friendship. I completely agree because it would be awkward. 

It’s only when I think about this I just can’t help but cry. To know that our paths have… almost pretty much split. 

I just thought to myself… why am i doing this? Why did I have to say the things I did? 

Then I remembered, if God didn’t exist there would be absolutely no reason why I had to say what I did. But if there was no God the world would collapse. What is the point of being nice? For the sake of ‘niceness’? Or is it because of survival? But anyway I don’t want to get into a whole apologetic debate. Just that I know there’s God, who came down to die for our sins so that we can be reconciled with Him. 

I really want to reply to my friend’s message… but I just don’t know what to say or haven’t worked up the courage to say anything yet. 

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One thought on “Just Heartbroken

  1. My Dearest pure of heart child, it takes deep faith to state what is true to your mind and soul and not to take the easy way out. You have been very courageous and God will certainly bless you.

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