A heads up, this post is personal! So it might be boring for some – just in case. This is more of taking a peek at what my heart and my thoughts are.
Sigh… I feel not good. Unhappy. But not as bad as before. As I walked home I was crying. Not like crazy wailing.. no. Just tears.
So at least there were some awesome things that happened today – Revive’s event went fine. I performed in a dancing group and singing group. No one made mistakes at the Soranbushi dance (traditional Japanese Fishermen dance) and although for the singing performance one of our members made it late, we were still able to perform. At least it wasn’t ‘bad’ XD …
Anyway, after the whole event, God gave me the opportunity to talk to one of my dear friends that I have not seen in ages. He’s my best friend. I actually used to have feelings for him. I hope he never finds this blog haha! But… why I am upset is that he holds such worldly views it breaks my heart. It really makes me see how without God … you can be so sucked into this world and materialism. You can’t see the bigger picture because people is all you have. Those around you influence you.
My friend told me I was at a ‘high’ position. I asked him then ‘So do you mean that you are in a low position?’. He said ‘yes’. I asked him what makes me in a higher position. After much talk… it seems that there is much he doesn’t want me to know… or anyone except his parents. But even them I think he doesn’t reveal everything.
By the end of much talk, it all boiled down to the ‘principle’ that those who are higher have more people depending on you and you less of others. Those of a low position depend on others and others don’t depend on that person as much.
Then I finally got it.
Later on I asked him so do you think that you can be higher than me some day? He said he can sometimes but not all the time. I asked him to explain. He said it’s because although he may reach it, his happiness won’t last like mine.
He realises it. He sees what God is making a difference in my life! But he rejects it and it really makes me cry. It makes my skin go cold and tears just spring up. That because he doesn’t know God’s love. And I just suck at explaining things. But I am glad… that God was leading me. His Holy Spirit reminding me of my attitude towards my friend. To act with love, to be kind to him. To listen, to ask and clarify. And I’m glad he opened up a bit.
I care so much about this friend. Even though I have lost attraction to him, and I thank God that I am so not influenced by the girls he likes or his expectations or anything like that… that I’m not dependent on him in that way. That my dependency is all on God… I’m so relieved. But what I didn’t like about what he said was that we Christians are hiding from this world. I just got really.. I have to admit I did raise my voice and got slightly defensive. But I’m glad that the Spirit reminded me to calm down.
God what would I do if I didn’t have you? Your goodness of your Spirit really guides me.
Sigh, well, I need to keep trusting in God. And I do. He’s given me enough to go on. I just need to pray for more patience. May His Holy Spirit give bring me peace.