I woke up yesterday much later than usual. There was no time for me to make my way to the studio to help out, which I honestly should have. Yup, sorry I am not excused! Yet I stayed at home and just researched stuff and prepared that Father’s Day video after my Mum reminded me of Father’s Day. Ek. Too many things to feel guilty about!
I originally planned to just say Happy Father’s Day when I realized what little effort I’m making when I actually do have a father. Even more so that he’s in Hong Kong and I’m here in UK I should do something more.
After making that video, I started making my way to church. A one hour long walk in fact. Why? Well I just like to walk 🙂 While walking, I have this… kind of bad habit of reading. Alright, I admit it is a bad habit. In fact I had a man point it out as I was read-walking. He approached me and asked How can you read while you walk? And no sooner we were talking about religion, since I explained to him the book I was reading was about faith. He told me he believed in good and evil, but he did not believe in God. He also said he believes as long as people have good morals, are kind and have the want to be good, it is good enough. What he does not understand is the idea that everyone has done some wrong in their lives and need to be forgiven, more specifically forgiven by God. Also the Christian faith is in fact extremely deep, especially in terms of understanding the bible and its contents is just a complete analysis of the human condition. When you come to see the true meaning behind the gospel or section in the bible it really does open up your mind and eyes to the world. It isn’t gentle, it isn’t nice. It’s the down-to-earth plain blunt truth.
Anyway, in the end I found out this guy actually lives in Jordan, has been to all the biblical places and is actually flying off there today! He actually came to London for a holiday. He’s probably the only stranger-on-the-street I’ve ever added on Facebook. He also mentioned he would come back every few months for a visit since he spent his childhood and teens growing up here. If we were ever to meet up, I would really need to ask another Christian friend to come along, since it’s a bit strange if I do end up having coffee with him alone. At least I’m not really used to that sort of idea anyways.
After that unusual acquaintance, I arrived at church and left with unexpected surprise. The sermon was about healing and how Jesus is willing to heal. The pastor talked about how in his past experience he has witnessed healing through Jesus and when he asked the congregation if they had that same experience as well, more than half raised their hands! I was a bit… overwhelmed knowing this. I suppose you can say that I am slightly skeptical about this, but I’ll admit that it certainly gives me hope. Anyway, at the end of the sermon, the pastor read out a list of illnesses and problems that people in the congregation had and that if people were suffering from these physical issues would come to the front to be prayed for. The pastor mentioned someone had a problem with their right ear. That was me. The deal with me is that I felt as though it wasn’t a big problem. My fear was that it could have been someone else that actually has a severe problem with their right ear. For me, it was only discomfort and I suspect it was from the workshop when I was in the midst of all the noisy machinery. I turned to my roommate and told her I was scared and I wasn’t sure if I should stand up and go to the front to receive prayer. She told me yes you should. Inside me, I felt so reluctant. In the end she and my other friend prayed for me and I was really thankful.
My roommate prayed that my ear would be healed and that it’s not just about my ear but a test of my faith. She was spot on right. Eventually I went down with that other friend to receive prayer. In my heart I was scared. I knew I was scared to trust in Him. I definitely doubted. I didn’t want to be disappointed as well. I didn’t even know how I could know if my ear was healed or not. After prayer, we went up and then there was time for general prayer and my roommate and friend went down for it. So much did I want to burst into tears because I didn’t trust God. Of course I didn’t want to show it in public. I prayed to God saying how scared I was, but I’ll believe anyway, I’ll put my faith in you so please if You are willing, heal me. I felt a change in my ear. Something weird was happening but I just don’t know, I honestly couldn’t tell. It was as though my ears were burning but there was no pain. I didn’t understand. I was so confused. Uncertain. Doubtful. Scared.
When we left the church and were reunited with other friends that came to church late, I started to smile. I knew in my heart Jesus was there for me, but I didn’t tell. See the irony? It’s difficult to admit it then but now reflecting on it, I should have told. A while later, there was slight discomfort in my ears again. I still believe in Him, and I can’t say I know it would be the same result if only I had told my friends. I suppose deep inside me I felt scared the pain would come back and I’d have to say opps sorry guys, false alarm! Placebo effect…
Yes I believe God is testing me. I’m afraid I have failed, but the wonderful thing is that God has forgiven me. Trusting in God is definitely a process. I may believe in Him but I know I must continue to pray for my trust in Him. I have been warned by Him before, I know of His works, yet it’s so difficult to trust with just a snap of my fingers.
So I have to say, being a Christian is a battle. We are human and we need God’s forgiveness. In any instance, even though I know this seems like a simple matter, trusting in God, His plans for you in the future is like wrestling with a bear!